10 Psycho Pick-Up Lines
1.Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?
2.Can I buy you a spatula?
3.Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils.
4.Your crawlspace or mine?
5.You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.
6.may I lick your forehead?
7.Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?
8.Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
9.What's your favorite flavor of wood?
10.You've stolen my heart, but I have three more back home in the freezer.
Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by
an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing.
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know these
priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face
now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie.
Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to
keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you saved
my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you're poor,
and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the
audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to
come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though
technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is
handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance.
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to
marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and
steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt
help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY
angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all successful in say,
Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film is in release,
every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behavior?
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo)
Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than you
personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be
filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate from
me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and
helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't been for having to rescue
him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off.
Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's
making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt.
You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from
me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge
diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.)
FACTS ABOUT MEN
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason:you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a ugly one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is married.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (These are *real*)
-Do You Love As Good As You Look?
-Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
-Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
-Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
-Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
-How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
-Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
-I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
-I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
-I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
-I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
-I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
-I Wanna Whip Your Cow
-I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
-I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
-I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
-I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
-I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
-Welfare Line - If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
-If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
-If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
-If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
-If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
-If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
-Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
-May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
-My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
-My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
-My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
-My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
-Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
-Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
-She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft; She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
-She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
-She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
-Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
-They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
-Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
-When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
-You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
-You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
-You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
-You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
-You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly